scarylullabies: (Default)
[personal profile] scarylullabies
Here's a thing: I just quit my job and I need a new one. Today my girlfriend put me in touch with a friend of hers who is looking to hire someone for an admin-type job that starts at $20/hour. I emailed this person my resume, and she's gonna call me later this week.

I'm terrified. I have worked for minimum wage or less for my entire working life. I am completely certain that I am in no way qualified to do anything that pays that much. Part of my fear stems from the fact that I'm a bit fuzzier on the details of this job than I'd like to be, but mostly I'm just absolutely positive that $20 is way to much to pay for an hour of my time. I have a GED and a 54 wpm typing certificate; what service could I possibly perform that would be worth that much money? I've been doing what could, at a stretch, be considered "skilled labor" for the last 5 years, but I've been doing it in a industry that lacks prestige and is considered very low class and easy. Like, my job made people think I was 10 years younger than I am, because no one my age does that job. And I've been doing it for a long time, so I can't help but be scared that that job is the limit of my capabilities. I can't do a grownup job, because all I've done is the work of 17-year-olds. And by the way, the reason I quit that job? Was because it was too stressful. Now, there were reasons for that - I was heading up 3 subgroups, and we had some shit going on within the management team - but still. All I have is a GED, and I just quit a job that in our society is the exclusive purview of stoned teenagers, because it was too stressful. I cannot in good conscience let this professional woman give a person like me $20/hour to show up and do things.

And see, on some level, I know that that's bullshit. I know that college is as obligatory as high school these days and that a degree is an indication of endurance and a certain amount of wealth and/or debt, and little else. I don't think that people who have degrees are better human beings than me, but apparently I can't get over the idea that their time is worth more than mine. And as for my actual capabilities... I tried expressing these concerns to my girlfriend, and she was kind of dismissive. She said that even if it didn't work out, this job would help me gain confidence, but that is not usually what happens when I'm asked to do things that are beyond the scope of my abilities. I usually just sit on the floor and cry a lot. She tried to tell me that this job wasn't going to be that hard, but since I just spent the last few months crying on the floor at my stoned teenager job, I'm having a little trouble believing her.
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